


Inside Job

by 8BitSkeleton



Category: Funhaus (Video Blogging RPF)
Genre: FakeHaus, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-27
Updated: 2018-11-27
Packaged: 2019-09-01 09:02:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16762084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/8BitSkeleton/pseuds/8BitSkeleton
Summary: It's not even a real job, Adam doesn't think — just a scouting mission. That happens to be in a fancy restaurant. And, apparently, the best cover his crew could come up with was... that James and Adam would pretend to be a couple.Yeah. Real subtle, that one.





	Inside Job

**Author's Note:**

> this isn't a new work by any stretch of the imagination. i wrote this a year ago for the shiphaus secret santa (which i also ran last year but let's not get into it).
> 
> originally posted [here](https://shiphaussecretsanta.tumblr.com/post/168939524224/), now reposted in all its glory for archival purposes

Adam can’t really be upset about the whole thing, because the gist of this is going to dinner in a swanky, five star, food-is-too-small-for-the-plate restaurant. That’s the plan at its most basic.

Now, if you wanted to get into specifics, the plan is more complex than that. See, Fakehaus had gotten word that a new, budding crew was encroaching on their space, getting too friendly with crew borders. From word of mouth, the crew was small compared to Fakehaus, four people, maybe. Lawrence had dug up some dirt on them and found that they’d been cobbled together from a now-defunct crew made up of a mostly white collar crime syndicate which had gotten busted not even a year ago. The new crew had risen quickly, gotten a name for themselves by selling their skills in torture to the highest bidder. Then they’d branched out to drugs, hits, anything Fakehaus did.

The plan is James’: get in, bug the place, maybe figure out what the crew wants, and get out.

Adam shifts gears in his bright orange Lamborghini, James buttoning the cuff of his suit beside him. They’re both wearing them, James with a black suit Bruce picked out for him with a blue shirt Matt chose, while Elyse and Lawrence had dressed Adam in his grey suit and black shirt combo, a tie thrown in and everything. His tie is now in the backseat where he’s decided that he doesn’t want to get food or blood on it (if it even comes down to it; in this business, he’s never sure where the night is going to take him).

As they pull up to the restaurant, Adam glances at James, who smiles at him like he knows _exactly_ how the night is going to go.

Adam steps out of the car, walks around to meet James while the valet takes their car. James is still smiling as they stand next to each other in front of the restaurant, and Adam feels a sort of restlessness crawl up his spine.

“Ready?” James asks, almost quiet. Adam feels James’ hand brush past his, in reassurance or tenderness or both.

All Adam does is nod. As they walk up to the restaurant, Adam takes in the small part of the dim room he can see through the glass door. It’s a swanky place alright, but the pictures online didn’t do it justice. The glass doorway is the only window in the place, while the rest of the restaurant seems to reside in a concrete box. The name of the restaurant is scrawled on the side reads _Argent_ in an overly complicated script.

From what little Adam can see, the place is almost packed, so finding their targets is going to prove harder than they anticipated. He just hopes these guys are as big of showboats as Lawrence told them they were going to be.

Before they get to the door, James jogs a little ahead and pulls it open for Adam, an action which makes Adam scoff and roll his eyes before he walks through the open door, James following behind soon after.

“I can open doors, y’know.”

Adam can feel James’ presence behind him as he scoffs, almost mocking, in answer. “Never said you couldn’t, but I am still a gentleman.” He leans in to Adam’s ear. “Sting operation date or not.”

Before Adam can comment on his closeness or even cherish it, James is pulling away and Adam holds back the noise that almost escapes him. The thing is, James and Adam both agreed a few months back that dating wouldn’t be in the crew’s best interest. Relationships complicate things, yeah? So what if they kissed _once_? They still had an unspoken game of dating chicken. It wasn’t an intentional one, just… Adam told James he didn’t want to complicate their relationship and James respected that. But by now, Adam has acknowledged to himself only that he’s very wrong about that fact. He would date James in a heartbeat. But James is still giving him space, even though Adam is almost sure James _knows_ that Adam wants to go out with him. It’s sweet in one way, annoying in the other, especially with what this night entails.

James pulls away from Adam’s back as if nothing has happened and walks up to the hostess with a smile on his face. He gives the cover name for their reservation and the hostess smiles and proclaims their table is ready, picking up menus before she leads them over to it.

In their walk there, Adam gives the inside a bit of a once-over. Some canned piano music plays while people talk quietly amongst themselves over the small tea candles laid on the tables. Most are pairs with the odd threes or fours but in the corner, between the bar and a wall, a group of six people sits together, all splayed over what looks to be a black and white couch. They’re laughing at something while a blonde man reaches over the table and pours champagne into another man’s cup, this one with long hair in a bun, overflowing it on purpose and watching as the man displays fond irritation.

As they get seated, Adam takes the seat facing the party. The other crew. They really were not hard to find at all. Their mannerisms scream _Hey! This place is a front for our illegal business and we’re cocky enough not to hide it!_

The hostess asks for any drinks to start them off and James doesn’t even open the menu as he says, “Krug Grande Cuvée, if you have any.”

“Good choice,” the hostess says, smiling at them before promising their waiter will be with them shortly. James almost beams with pride as she leaves, and Adam’s eyes drift from James to the people in the corner again.

James leans his elbows on the table, lays his chin in his hands, as if fawning over Adam. “So?” He asks, blinking at him slowly.

“There’s six of them,” Adam murmurs.

“No,” James pouts briefly. “I meant, what did you think of my champagne knowledge?”

“Oh, that was champagne?”

James sighs, exasperated. “I wouldn’t have asked you out if I knew you didn’t appreciate the finer things in life.”

Adam lets his eyes shift back to James. He lifts an eyebrow and says, “You didn’t ask me out, though.”

“It was _my_ plan.”

“And then Bruce asked me out _for_ you.”

“Yeah but who told Bruce?” James taps the side of his head with his finger. “You gotta look at the bigger picture, Adam.”

“Which is what? You were afraid to ask me out on a fake date?”

James shakes his head. “No! Papa Bruce just helped me by suggesting you come with me.”

“Ah. Still unsure what the bigger picture is.”

Adam watches as James leans back in his chair and unbuttons his suit jacket. His eyes are soft as he says, “I’unno yet. Guess we’ll figure it out together.”

The weight James’ words carry make Adam nervous, or maybe Adam is reading too much into them. Either way, he clears his throat and jokes, “Hope you know I’ll be rating this fake date at the end of it.”

“Ooo,” James straightens up in his chair. “Better make a good impression then.”

Adam thinks he’s joking but James reaches a hand out, lays it on the table, palm upturned, as if asking for Adam’s hand. Adam hesitates to lift his hand to meet it but he thinks twice, says to himself, _It’s a job. This time, it’s just a job. Not the real thing, not… yet_ _._ He lays his hand on top of James’, fingers hesitant as James turns his hand, links their fingers together, smiles at Adam warmly. God, he hopes James doesn’t _think_ this is just a job, because this is going to affect Adam one way or another. But, for now, and because Adam prides himself on being a professional, he does not dwell on how good James’ eyes look in conjunction with his shirt.

As Adam dwells on not dwelling on James’ eyes, their waiter walks up, champagne bottle in hand. He greets them and shows the bottle to James, who gives the label a once over while his thumb absently traces circles on Adam’s hand. James nods in approval and the waiter pours the drinks, Adam letting his eyes drift back over to the group in the corner. As he watches, he thinks of their half-baked plan. When Lawrence pulled up what little pictures they had of the crew, none of them recognized them, so it was a safe bet to go undercover with minimal cover. Bruce still insisted on parking the rest of the crew in a van in the alley around the corner, much to James’ complaining. So they were covered, in theory. Adam still had to call Bruce if anything happened. Which nothing would, because as he watches the other crew out of the corner of his eye, he definitely does not recognize any of them, which is weird. The crew is new but the money is not, apparently. They have this place, which doesn’t seem like it came cheap at all. But it’s their hub for anything, and so, here Fakehaus is.

They’re flashy, Lawrence was right about that. They have gold on their necks and logos shining on their clothes. Adam lets his eyes drift to the corner of their table and is almost startled when he catches a bearded man staring back at him, eyes discerning, a worn backwards ball cap on his head clashing with his expensive-looking suit. Before Adam can break off eye contact, the man looks away, showing no emotion on his face as he does. The man looks back to his group as Adam goes back to looking at James.

With a shock, he realizes their hands are still clasped between them. He makes a conscious effort to take his hand away and to play it off as casual, his hand going for his glass of champagne. James doesn’t say anything about it, but rather, grabs his own glass and holds it out for a toast. After they’ve clinked, James looks at Adam over the rim of his glass, his eyes holding some sort of _feeling_ in them. A feeling that Adam isn’t sure is genuine yet. God, Adam is going to make it through tonight if it kills him.

* * *

The food turns out to be good. Really good. Adam is sad that the portions are so small and a little angry that this crew’s place is actually turning out some quality and legitimate shit. Why are these guys in the crime business if the restaurant business is going so well for them? Beats the fuck out of Adam, but he isn’t about to start questioning motives.

Halfway through their second course, some steak for Adam and fish for James, James holds out his fork for Adam to taste some again, like he had for their appetizer round. And Adam can’t find it in himself to roll his eyes again so he just leans in and lets James feed him, biting into the fish and potatoes. It’s extremely good. Adam avoids moaning.

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees movement at the crew’s table. With his eyes fixed on James, Adam tracks the man who gets up, watching through his periphery as he walks across the salon and heads down the hallway to the bathroom. Adam swallows his bite and wipes his mouth with his napkin, says, “Bathroom,” hopes James understands his unspoken message.

The hallway is substantially quieter than the salon. He hears the sound of it die down behind him as he scans the hallway and its closed doors, the dim lighting not helping him in this case. He thinks he hears a man’s voice coming from the last door, a suspicion that’s confirmed when the man with the baseball cap comes out of it, turning out the light before he closes the door without locking it. The man is on the phone, distracted it seems, and Adam takes it as an opportunity. He slips a hand into his pants pocket and feels for the bug that Lawrence made for them. Adam watches as the man walks down the hallway, not even sparing a glance at Adam as he passes, murmuring heatedly about “No, it _has_ to be tomorrow, at the warehouse,” while Adam makes his move, hoping and praying that the man doesn’t notice as Adam slips the bug into his blazer pocket.

Adam doesn’t stick around to see if he made him or not. He just slips into the bathroom and breathes a sigh of relief when he sees it’s empty.

Before he can lock himself in a stall, his phone rings, startling him, just a little. The caller ID says Bruce and he sighs, hates that he has to do this but the guy could still be here, be outside the door. Adam still isn’t in the clear. So he answers his phone and says, “Uh… hey, dad.”

He can’t tell if Bruce is amused by the prospect of being called dad or not. All Bruce asks is, “Are they there?”

“Yeah.” Adam replies, remembering what little coded speak Fakehaus has. “Sixth of June, I think?”

“Six at a table?” Bruce repeats back to him, understanding. “Do any of them suspect you?”

“I don’t think so, dad. And I don’t know if I can visit yet.”

“Okay, eyes everywhere, but you’re okay. Listen, Lawrence mapped the place out and Elyse can get in and bug the manager’s office. You need to make a distraction.”

Adam furrows his brow. “Is _mom_ going to like that?”

“Elyse’ll be quick, in and out. She needs five minutes, tops.”

“Yeah, I’m doing it. Pretty soon, too. We’re about to have dessert.”

“Suit pocket, you should have a ring in it.”

Wait, what? Adam resists the urge to touch his breast pocket. A _what_?

Because Adam doesn’t say anything, Bruce sounds persuasive as he bargains, “It’ll buy us some time, Adam.”

Adam flits through annoyance, exasperation, tiredness, before accepting his fate. “Thanks for mom’s ring, _dad_. I’m just nervous to do it in front of so many people.”

“You’ll be fine,” Bruce sounds like he’s smiling. “Do it at exactly 10 o’clock, regardless of if you’re eating dessert or not.”

“Okay dad. I love you. Text you when it’s done.”

Bruce’s answering goodbye is sickly sweet, saying, “Bye, sweetheart.”

He hangs up and realizes, he hates Bruce, just a little. He stares at his phone while it flashes 9:50 pm up to him and he realizes he hates Bruce a lot.

Pocketing his phone, Adam heaves a sigh. God, he feels nervous. More nervous than he should. Now, he feels into his suit pocket and locates the ring, which is a simple, silver band. Jesus, he’s really gotta do this, huh?

As he walks out of the bathroom, he thinks about proposals. He doesn’t think the time he proposed to Bruce as a way of scamming the government for money as an actual marriage proposal, mostly because they were drunk and young. So, basically, he’s gotta wing this thing. Fuck, okay.

Before he gets to their table, he locates their waiter and pulls him aside to say, “Hey, I’m about to propose to my… partner. Can you turn the music down or something?”

The look of enthusiasm their waiter gives makes Adam even more nervous, if that’s even possible. The waiter scurries off to the back of the restaurant and Adam braces himself. He checks his phone. 9:53. Okay. He can do this.

Adam walks back to the table, noticing that James has already finished with his food. Adam’s food sits almost untouched but he can’t even think about eating now. God, why is he so nervous? It’s just something that’s necessary to the job! It won’t be real.

He sits down stiffly. James gives him a concerned look which Adam shakes his head at. He positions his phone beside him. 9:55.

The music over the speakers dies down and the chatter around them dies down a bit with it. Adam shakes himself.

James leans in and lowers his voice as he asks, “Is the cat okay?” _Were you made?_ in coded.

“Cat’s fine. It’s about something else.” 9:57.

Their waiter picks up their plates and asks about dessert. Adam shakes his head at the same time James nods and the waiter looks between them. Adam clarifies, “After.” The waiter nods knowingly while James looks so confused.

When the waiter leaves, James leans in again, eyes even more concerned. Asks, “Are _you_ okay?”

Adam nods again. 9:59. He gets up abruptly and James looks at him like he’s seriously considering calling in Bruce to help with whatever is happening right now.

Adam clears his throat and says, loud enough that the people around him will hear, “Honey, I….” He gulps and finds his knees stiff and he gets down on one knee beside their table. James’ face morphs from concern to surprise.

“Honey.” Adam says again, speaking loudly so that he’s sure he has people’s attention. The restaurant is mildly quieter, so he _thinks_ it’s working. He continues, “It’s been four years since we met,” Adam remembers it clearly, smiles to himself. “Unexpectedly, you came into my life. But, definitely for the better. It’s been such a joy to watch you grow so much. We both have grown, you and I, partners in crime.” At that, Adam watches as James suppresses a laugh. “And now, I want to continue to grow with you. For a while if you’ll have me. So, I ask,” He holds out the ring. “Will you marry me?”

James’ eyes are shining when Adam finishes. The salon is incredibly quiet, save for the quiet clattering of plates.

James sounds so fond when he says, “Of course I will, baby.”

Adam lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. He slips the ring onto the hand James offers and stands as James stands, finding himself enveloped in a hug by him. He laughs a little breathlessly, hearing the people around them give them some applause. God, who knew fake proposing to your crush would be so hard?

When they settle back into their chairs, the people in the tables next to them share congratulations. Adam feels happy, in that moment. James looks at him like he hasn’t ever seen a better person than Adam. Adam glances back to the corner where the other crew sits, looking at them while they talk amongst themselves. They’re smiling, and even the man with beard raises a glass up at them. Adam smiles, keeping up his cover and hoping he really _hasn’t_ been made, when their waiter comes back dutifully and offers them dessert. James orders one dessert for them and asks for two spoons. Adam smiles at the prospect.

When their dessert comes, James picks up a spoon and leans in, asks in a hushed voice. “Bruce told you to do that?”

Adam nods, picking up a spoon and speaking as quiet as he can as he says, “Distraction for Elyse.”

James hums and digs into their cake. They both have a bite before James speaks again, his voice soft as he asks, “Did you mean that speech?”

Adam shrugs. He pokes at the cake, feeling like he shouldn’t say anything but opening his mouth anyway, “Yes. Maybe not the marriage part yet.”

James’ smile is sly as he brings a piece of cake up to his mouth. “Yet?”

“It’s our first date. Think it’s a little early to talk about so much commitment.”

“Oop. Don’t wanna scare the baby!”

Adam kicks him softly under the table. Finds his foot stays tangled between James’ after he’s done.

* * *

The restaurant gives them a discount on their dessert but the bill is still very high.

When they leave, they tip the valet guy and drive around the block, taking a convoluted route to get back to the stakeout van where they’re supposed to meet. Adam leaves the car a street over and they walk to the van, waving to Matt who sits in the driver’s seat.

Bruce opens the door in the back after James knocks and asks, “How’d it go?”

“Great,” James says as he climbs into the van. “Got a ring I can pawn off now.” He flashes his hand to James and Elyse who nod appreciatively while Adam gives Bruce his best (fake) annoyed look. Bruce just rolls his eyes at him and helps him in the van, closes the door.

They settle in as Bruce asks, “Was the whole crew there?”

Adam shrugs, “I think so. They were partying it up big time. Two women and four men, but there could be more. The place was packed, Bruce. You wouldn’t think it’s a cover.”

James chimes in with, “Maybe it wasn’t. The food was so good, I—”

That’s when Lawrence cuts in, his voice nervous as he pulls off his headphones. “Guys? You might want to hear this.”

He unplugs the headphones and turns up the volume on the laptop.

“—haus?” A voice floods the van. “Fakehaus, hello? Are you there?” Adam’s eyes widen when he realizes he recognizes the voice. He heard it earlier, in the hallway, when he dropped the bug in the man’s pocket and the man walked past, _speaking_ — “Hope you are, because if you aren’t that’d be unfortunate. Anyway, don’t know what your play was but your burglar left our window unlocked and your bug guy looked nervous. Was that proposal real, by the way? Looked real. If it wasn’t, it was convincing as hell. Hey, maybe you just came here to our restaurant in our turf to propose to each other. Some sort of weird power move. But, whatever. Just, if you want to talk, we’ll be here. Come visit us, it’ll be fun. Hope something is recording this because that’d be a waste. Okay, goodnight!” The bug sounds like it’s dropped or mishandled before it goes dead.

Adam stares at Lawrence’s equipment in abject horror.

“Well.” James says. “Cat’s out.”

Bruce stifles a laugh.

“Wait,” Lawrence says, “Picking something up on the bug Elyse left.” He taps a few keys on his laptop and fiddles with the equipment before another voice comes through the speakers, a different man speaking, saying, “Fake Chop crew, out!” The bug goes dead, too.

Adam leans against the wall of the van while James scrubs a hand down his face. Bruce shakes his head. “Jeez.”

“What just happened?” Elyse asks.

James replies, “I think we just got played.”

Now, Bruce actually laughs. “Elyse, go tell Matt we gotta go. You two,” he motions to Adam and James. “Work out your prenup later.”

Adam glares at him just a little as Elyse climbs out of the back. As Matt turns on the van and starts driving, James shuffles over to sit in front of Adam. Adam notes how Bruce leaves Adam’s side and settles into the other side of the van.

James asks, “Prenup?”

Adam shakes his head. “I’ll just take the ring back.”

“Ouch,” James says but takes off the ring anyway, plays with it in his hands. Says, “Instead of a prenup, how about a second date?”

Adam pretends not to notice Bruce and Lawrence staring at them. He replies, “One condition. We don’t go back to that place.”

James huffs a laugh. “That’s a hard yes.”

Smiling, Adam says, “Then it’s a hard yes.”

“Stop talking about being hard!” Lawrence cuts in while Bruce laughs. James throws him the ring to shut him up but it just makes the laughter peak.

God, his crew is made up of assholes. Adam just makes a mental note to ask Bruce about the totally unplanned ring in his suit jacket later. He has an inkling of whose idea it was and the answer probably rhymes with _everybody in the fucking crew_.

**Author's Note:**

> [boop.](http://shiphaus.co.vu)


End file.
